


breathe me

by labecc



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Cuddling, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Harm, Self-Harm, Snuggling, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 13:01:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13008324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labecc/pseuds/labecc
Summary: Gon catches Killua just before he relapses.Inspired by Sia's "Breathe Me"





	breathe me

**Author's Note:**

> SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING
> 
>  
> 
> Help, I have done it again  
> I have been here many times before  
> Hurt myself again today  
> And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame
> 
> Be my friend  
> Hold me, wrap me up  
> Unfold me  
> I am small and needy  
> Warm me up  
> And breathe me
> 
> Ouch, I have lost myself again  
> Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found  
> Yeah, I think that I might break  
> Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
> 
> Be my friend  
> Hold me, wrap me up  
> Unfold me  
> I am small and needy  
> Warm me up  
> And breathe me
> 
> Be my friend  
> Hold me, wrap me up  
> Unfold me  
> I am small and needy  
> Warm me up  
> And breathe me

Staring at the scars covering his forearm, Killua let out slow shaky breaths. His face felt messy due to his dried tears, the uncomfortable feeling soon relinquishing under the new stream slipping from his eyes.

Gon's bedroom was completely dark with the exception of the moonlight spilling from the window. Killua continued to cry, kneeling on the floor at the end of Gon's bed next to his luggage. His quaking fingers shuffled through his bag; relying on his sense of touch to dig out the razors, since his eyes were deemed unreliable under their fresh layer of tears. Every cell holding Killua together ached and the intensity of the torture only increased as every second passed. His ribs felt like they were caving into themselves, crushing his lungs; every inflation of his chest was somehow more spasmodic than the last. Killua scolded himself for the gasps that escaped him, almost undoubtedly determined to avoid waking Gon. Almost; because Killua's need for Gon always challenged the tenacity of his self consciousness.

Killua's fingers brushed over the thin metal strips, his panic decreasing slightly when he finally dug one of them out. He could barely hold the blade due to his unflinching convulsions, but his tightening grip promised to keep it in place. Killua's lips curved upwards, though only barely, as he stared at the line of silver between his fingers. His tears tasted salty as they fell through the crack in his lips. Killua guided the blade to his wrist, the hard metal hovering over his warped skin as he prepared to pull it through the pale layer of flesh.

Killua almost screamed when a pair of warm hands trapped his wrists in a firm yet considerate grip.

"Killua!" Gon's voice echoed in his ears, "What's wrong?! Killua!" He tried to shake a response out of him, but his attempts were proving useless. Killua's muscles tightened as he tried to pull away from Gon's grip, but he could barely muster the energy to escape. Killua's eyes were clenched shut when he finally let his hands go limp, letting the blade fall to the floor. Gon picked it up, and for the time being, put it back into Killua's luggage. Killua remained still, kneeling with his back arched and his hands on the floor, sobbing helplessly. Gon set his hands on Killua's shoulders and moved closer to his dejected form; he soothingly rubbed his shoulders as they shook. Killua's tears dripped on to the floor as well as Gon's legs; he wanted deeply to be left alone but the depth of that inclination was nothing compared to his desire to slip away from his desolation and deliquesce into Gon's touch.

Killua gave in, weakly lifting his shaking arms from the floor and draping them around Gon's waist. Gon complied, pulling himself closer to Killua and tightly wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Killua took the fabric of Gon's shirt into his fists, clutching the material helplessly. His tears covered Gon's neck, the wetness causing an uncomfortable line of friction between their skin; but the feeling remained ignored. Killua could feel his stomach twisting as his misery poured out of him in loud sobs, the intangible force of his pain pulling at every one of his organs when the truth flooded out of him.

"I-I want to die so bad, Gon," Killua hiccuped. The tightening of Gon's embrace bore into Killua's neediness, though it was only a bit; still, it was beginning to shave away it's existence little by little.

"I know," Gon breathed, "But I'll never let you,"

Killua's arms contracted, "Why?! Why am I alive?" Killua screamed into Gon's shoulder. "Please… I want to die," he sobbed uncontrollably; his breathing became increasingly difficult, he coughed helplessly as he tried to inhale through his self loathing.

"You need to breathe, Killua; you can do it, stay with me," Gon whispered. Killua gasped with every breath he took. His lungs worked hard against him, and every one of his muscles wanted to keep him tense and shaking in anxiety.

“Shhh, Killua… it’s okay, just focus on me,” Gon told him, trying to maintain a calm voice. Killua tried to concentrate on how Gon’s arms felt around his shoulders, how his neck felt against his face, and how his hands felt on his back. Soon, Killua was making progress; his gasps turned into soft breathing as his lungs finally emerged into a steadier pace.

 

They stayed in place, clinging to each other as the time passed. Killua's shaking decreased, but it was still noticeable, and he would still shiver on occasion. He nuzzled into Gon's neck, sighing as he did so. Gon moved a hand to Killua's head and played with his hair, rubbing the white locks between his fingertips. Killua's spine shuddered from his lower back to his neck, his lack of sleeves proving unfortunate.

"Are you cold?" Gon questioned.

"…Yeah," Killua muttered, his voice cracking slightly. Gon moved his arm from Killua's back to reach for a blanket from his bed; the absence of contact alarmed him into softly whining and squeezing Gon tighter. The blanket slipped off of the bed with a few pulls from Gon, though he only placed it on the floor next to him.

"I'm gonna wrap you up, okay?" Gon explained.

"Mhm," Killua hummed in agreement.

"We have to change positions, so you have to let go," Gon urged Killua. With a hesitant whine, Killua slowly pulled away; immediately wrapping his arms around himself. Through his hair, his eyes were rimmed with red and still glistening from the tears. Gon immediately stood up with the blanket in hand, and reached down to help Killua stand; putting the hand holding the blanket on his waist and the other in one of Killua's hands, he slowly helped pull him back onto his feet. Killua's legs shook as he tried to stand, and he couldn't help softly leaning against Gon in need of support.

Gon lifted both of his arms and sorted the blanket so it hung in a flat position behind Killua. He clung onto Gon's shoulders, his arms wrapped around his neck; Killua rested against his body as he calmed down, his eyes slowly closing. Gon set the blanket around Killua's shoulders.

"Killua, can you take the corners of the blanket?" He requested; Killua hummed in compliance. Gon made sure to hold the fabric next to Killua's hands so he could take it easily; he slid his arms out from behind Gon's shoulders and weakly gripped onto the blanket's corners before wrapping it around himself. His eyes started to close again as he stood on his own; Gon took a moment to admire him, a sense of pride making him smile at Killua. He tried to ignore the harrowing events that made him so proud of Killua's strength; instead reveling in the feeling of joy that his image conveyed.

Killua's eyelids fluttered open and he stared wide eyed at Gon, his gaze shimmering. His eyes quickly closed again, and he frowned as he put his head down.

"Gon…" He whined. Gon could see his tremors returning and immediately stepped forward to pull Killua into his arms; he held him securely with one arm around his shoulder and the other around his waist. Killua whined again, still needing something that Gon couldn't quite figure out.

"What's wrong? Do you need something?" Gon questioned worriedly.

"I-I don't know- I'm tired, but," Killua breathed fearfully, "I don’t know why I'm anxious… I'm scared, Gon-"

"It's okay, Killua; you don't have to have a reason to feel scared," Gon reassured, "How about we lay down?" Killua paused for a moment before humming in approval of the idea. Gon lovingly smiled at him as he started guiding him to his bed; Killua seemed so small in Gon's arms, he was tensely hunched over like his spine was locked in place, and the way he cocooned himself left no room for any sort of confidence.

Killua curled up on Gon's bed, squishing himself against the wall. Before Gon laid down, he walked across the room to his closet; he opened the doors quietly and retrieved a second blanket from one of the closet’s shelves. Gon returned to his bed and unfolded the blanket, then laid it out over Killua and the empty space next to him. Killua stared at Gon as he pulled the covers back and situated himself next to him; his eyes were wide and bright with neediness and apprehension. Gon quickly wrapped himself around Killua, laying his chin on top of his head; Killua snuggled into Gon’s chest, finally letting himself relax in his swaddle of blanket. Gon smiled.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Mhm,” Killua confirmed.

“Are you sure you don’t need anything else?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay; if you ever need something, you can tell me,” Gon spoke softly, “I care about you, Killua,” he laid a kiss on Killua’s head, then gently tightened his embrace; Killua could feel his neediness washing away little by little as he rested in Gon’s reassuring hold.

“I need you, Gon…” Killua whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too; I couldn’t live without you,” Gon declared, “I’ll never leave you, Killua.” Killua lifted his head upwards and nuzzled into Gon’s neck and shoulders, his breath warm against his bare skin. Gon brought one of his hands to the back of Killua’s head; it laid on his hair protectively as he started stroking the white strands with his thumb. Killua relaxed and started thinking; he considered that maybe he really is irreplaceable. If someone with Gon’s endless loyalty and resolve believed that he truly is something divine, something worth saving forever, then it must be seen as true. Killua felt himself drifting as he slowly closed his eyes; when Gon embraced him, he could finally feel like a child in love.


End file.
